I'm currently looking for freelance work in the HORROR market, in particular--I'd especially like to draw zombies, ghouls, and any non-sparklevampire undead.  If you are hiring, or know of someone who is, please let me know!  

I'm doing some guest art for this project, here:  [link]

If you're a fan of birds, or mythology, or mythological birds, please consider contributing.  It's going to be full of lovely illustrations, and awesome stories about birds.  What more could you want?

Here's a little WIP shot of my contribution:



Go on.  Give 'em money.  You know you waaaaaaaant to.  (Imagine I said "want" in a voice like a seagull, you know, all squawky and annoying.)

My sister and I are now blogging together at [link] .  There are photos, dorky observations, and more photos.

(It's called "Aardvark and Donkey" because when we were kids, our father used to call us the aardvark and the donkey.  Not such flattering choices of animals, when one stops to think about it, but I'm sure he meant it affectionately.)

Hey, does anyone else remember the "Ebony Keep" forums, and all the sheep and olives and stuff?

I was looking through some old storage CDs lately, to see if there was anything worth hanging onto, and I discovered a folder full of those little sheep icons:  first, I was all "WTF?"; then, I was all "Oh, yeaaaaaah...I remember those."

Fågelfil!
The hot, wild kitchen!
Reclaiming Art!

My, that was a blast from the past.

(Apologies to anyone who hasn't a bloody clue what I'm on about, and is reading this with a WTF expression on their face, rather like the one I had on when I first excavated those sheep.)

Does anybody know of any shipping services in Vancouver that offer on-site pickup (that is, they'll come to your door, get your packages, and put them in the post)?  FedEx is getting more and more expensive, and that expense is being passed on more and more to people who want to buy my art, which isn't fair to anyone.  Right now, I can't reasonably sell anything worth less than $200--nobody wants to pay 50-1000% of the cost of the artwork in shipping fees!  (And, yeah, 1000% can happen, with a cheaper drawing headed to a remote destination--depressing, isn't it?)  I used to absorb the cost of shipping on more expensive items, as a courtesy, and I would like to bring back that service, but I can't afford it, with FedEx.  

My goal is to be able to sell some smaller pieces, and possibly prints, for reasonable rates--but even Xpresspost prepaid envelopes start around $15 a pop, for deliveries within Canada, and pickup adds even more.  I'd like to be able to charge no more than $10 for shipping within Canada, and no more than $15 internationally; is that a pipe dream?

I need something that works in one of these ways, I think:

a)  a service that sells prepaid envelopes, and will pick them up for shipping at least once a week, without charging an arm and a leg,

- or -

b)  some way of figuring out exactly how much shipping will cost, to any destination--then, I can order regular stamps and envelopes online, and hire a courier to come and take my post to the nearest mail dropoff centre a couple of times a week.

- or -

c)  a flatmate, who will go to the post office for me upon demand.

(Option c is what's passing for a joke, these days.)

I think I stepped in pee, yesterday.  I went downstairs to get my post, and I didn't put my shoes on--sometimes I don't, when I'm not planning to leave the building.  But then, I forgot I wasn't wearing shoes, and I wandered out, and I thought to myself, "Hey, the ground is so cold, it almost feels wet."  And then I looked down, and it WAS wet, and it smelled like pee.

I think it's a cruel, cruel thing, that tomatoes must be so acidic.  Must I be punished with acid reflux every time I indulge?  In my early twenties, I could eat a whole tomato, drizzled with a dressing of olive oil and vinegar and cracked pepper, and it would be nothing but delicious.  I want THAT body back.

I think those Dove commercials, the "Campaign for Real Beauty" ones, are barking up the wrong tree.  Rather than trying to convince us we're all beautiful, perhaps they should remind us we don't have to be; we have value beyond the visual.  We'll all be old and shrivelled, some day:  it's wise to find something beyond beauty to hang our egos on, before that day comes.

Partial list of strange items I've received from my local grocery shop, in lieu of out-of-stock products:

*  A can of pre-cooked chipped beef, in place of an uncooked pheasant.
*  An entire frozen turkey, in place of a plate of deli meats.
*  A fruit I could not identify, in place of a dragonfruit--perhaps you can help me.  It was long and oval-shaped, green on one side and orange on the other, and full of rich, sweet orange flesh.  I did not like this fruit.
*  Five gallons of skim milk, in place of a pint of whole.  (In fairness, these were not meant for me, at all.  They came back and took them away.)
*  A frozen butter chicken entree, in place of a roast chicken.
*  A box of macaroons, in place of marzipan--

--and, this morning, the greatest disappointment of all:  a sad little container of grapefruit parts floating in syrup, in place of a whole grapefruit.  I'd been looking forward to that grapefruit.  My mother used to give me grapefruit, when I was ill, and to this day, it's my comfort food of choice.  After more than a week of surviving on apple juice and chicken broth, and feeling thoroughly sorry for myself, I was positively slavering after that grapefruit.  A grapefruit is so good:  so cool, so refreshing, so sweet, and the texture--those little bursting membranes--who couldn't love a grapefruit?  But this grapefruit in syrup was soggy, and sugary, and not at all what I was expecting.  I'd order some squabs to make up for it, but they'd probably send a haggis.  Besides, I don't want to cook.  I just want to suck a bite of grapefruit till those little poddy bits break open, one by one.  Maybe I'd even put it in the freezer for a few minutes, to get it extra-cold.  Ice crystals on the verge of forming; the best.

I have a Temperley London jacket in size 6 US, 12 UK, which bloody yoox.com won't take back because I thought it was the size 2 I ordered, and cut off the tags.  It looks like this:  [link]

Will send anywhere in the US or Canada.  It's totally last year, but it really IS a lovely coat.  I'm so disappointed.  

I feel just like Akaky Akakievich, I swear.  Worked superdoublehard for seven months; bought a much-coveted coat as a reward; never got to enjoy it.  If I die of grief, beware of my coat-snatching ghost around the False Creek area.

A pair of trousers just scared the skin off me.  

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw them hanging on a chair, draped over the seat and crossed at the knee--right jaunty, like.  I thought they were legs.  I thought there was a person in them.  A person in my apartment.

Here's the sad part:  exactly the same thing happened an hour ago, and this morning.  You'd think I'd move them, or start remembering they're there.

Remember the bad necklace from this entry?  [link]

Well, I e-mailed both Enviius and the designer of the necklace--in the first case, to ask for a replacement; in the second case, as a heads-up that her products might not be getting represented to their best advantage.

Got a very kind response from Enviius:  they've sent me a shipping label, so I can return the rusty necklace free of charge, and they're going to try and find  me another one.  I like that.

Got a rather odd response from the designer:  essentially, "it's supposed to look like that."  Seriously.  She informed me that her line "incorporates many natural and less refined materials to create a current, fashion forward product. Slight irregularities in  finish are considered part of the "look" and are intentionally included in the design."  All right, fair enough--but if that's the case, why does the product photograph on her website reveal no such irregularities?  If you're going to sell a product that intentionally incorporates big blobs of rust, shouldn't you make that clear BEFORE people shell out for it?  Something like this, perhaps:

Clustered heart necklace - $375
(Onyx - $300
Pewter-toned base metal - $25
Labour - $50
Generous bespattering of rust and scratches - priceless.)

Dude, man.  I paid with Visa, not Mastercard.  The necklace should therefore be where I want to be--not contain priceless elements.  Like, it should have a tiny little GPS on it, so I can search for it in the wasteland that is my closet.

Perhaps the designer felt that I was trying to malign her line, or maybe score some free jewellery, and felt the need to put me in my place.  Such an odd response; odd, odd, odd.  I'd stick my nose in the air, and vow to stick to Cartier, but I haven't got the funds to follow through on that idea.

Geese, I don't mind you eating my plants and honking up my balcony, but must you do so at 8AM?

A little heads-up for fellow bargain shoppers:  avoid Enviius.com!  Avoid like the plague!  I don't know WHAT they were thinking, but they seem to have sent me a box of rust with a necklace buried in it.  Funny:  I don't recall ordering that.

What I ordered is supposed to look like this:  [link]

I don't usually wear costume jewellery, but for $80, reduced from $375, what the hell, right?

Then, I see the box.  Uh-oh:



Pewter tone?  Eh?  OK, this might've been my bad.  You check gold jewellery, to make sure it's not plated; maybe silver, if the price is suspiciously low.  But pewter?  Dear sweet Jebus; who's faking pewter?  Why?  I don't remember seeing anything about pewter tone on the listing, but that doesn't mean it wasn't there.

Still.  For eighty bucks, pewter tone is OK.  I'm not likely to wear it much, anyway.  I'll just be extra-careful.  I won't, like...run, and stuff, so the fake pewter bits won't scrape together.

Only, oops--looks like someone's already done the Boston Marathon in this thing:



OMG HUGE BROWN MARKS, WHAT THE HELL, I DON'T EVEN!?  (A bit tough to spot in this photo; iPod photography tends to be short of detail.  But check out the little heart right by the label, especially.  See that little brown bit, that looks sort of like a shadow?  That's a GIANT NASTY RUST PIT, where the finish is completely scraped off.  (I thought it was a dirty mark, at first, and tried to remove it with my nail.  That was when the rust started flaking away, and I realised I'd been hosed.  Sad little sprinkles of corroded metal, how I loathe thee.)





At first, I thought the rust was only on the back of the necklace.  Not freaking out yet:  my hair might hide it.  It's OK.  It's fine.  It's...RUST AND SCRATCHES ALL OVER THE BIGGEST DANGLY BIT, front & centre!  Yuck:



I wouldn't pay $8 for that.  It's obviously USED, and seriously damaged, and so cheaply made I'd spend more having it repaired than I did to buy it.  Horrid thing.  Now, I KNOW I'd have noticed, if it had been marked used or damaged.  I'd never buy something like that.  It's bloody well going back, and I hope I'm not charged for shipping.

(On the positive side, I've had much better luck with HauteLook, and sometimes Beyond the Rack--though, BTR will occasionally sell you stuff, realise they don't have it, then spend a couple of months promising it's coming, before finally issuing a refund.  They also sent me a pair of giant knickers, one time, but I got my money back on those, despite them probably being my mistake.)

tl;dr:  GROSS necklace, scratched & rusty, Enviius.com sucks.  I ordered a Teaposy set from them, too, and the cellophane on the tea was totally ripped; I was afraid to drink it, with the damaged packaging.  But it was the teapot I wanted, anyway, so whatever.  But the necklace, that's torn it.  Sticking to non-Enviius sites, thank you!

I have had another loud visitor, today.  I think I might put a bird feeder out there, to attract more pleasant species.

I was roused this morning by a mighty honking:  there, at the window, was a goose, having itself a right old peep.



I turned to find my iPod, and while my back was turned, ANOTHER goose arrived!  I couldn't get the world's best shots of them, as I've not cleaned that window in ages--but there they were.  Perhaps the 8AM behonking was a birdbrained act of vengeance, for February's goose-stalking.  Or perhaps they envy my view.  I HAVE got rather a nice one, haven't I?

I can't make it to WonderCon, this year, because of a tragedy at my day job, which has caused us to be understaffed.  Maybe next year, instead.

Also, if you are e-mailing me, please put the purpose of your e-mail in the subject line.  Don't put "hello," "greetings," "what's up?", et cetera.  My spam filter tends to put those ones in the junk box, and they may not be found till weeks later, or never.  Sorry about that!

Lately, I have been trying to get to the park, near where I live.  What's that park called?  It's the one with the waterfall, which you come to when you've just left Granville Island, and are walking left along Sixth Street.  (Or is that Fourth?)  You know--the one with the bike paths, and the bushes, and stuff.  Hmm.  I think I've just described every park in the history of city-bound parks.  At any rate, I haven't quite got there, yet....

This is right by my building, nowhere near the park.  They've almost finished construction, now, and the scaffolding has been taken down.  I'm not sure what they did.  I think they put up new siding.


A bit closer, this time--but I have become distracted by a gull, which is disturbing the water at the marina.


Almost there--but here comes a menacing cloud!


Oh, no!  There's another one, behind me!


Badger, badger, badger, badger, mushroom, MUSHROOM CLOUD!  (Does this mean a snake is coming?)


Here is a man, walking his...dishmops?


This is just the marina, again.  But I took this picture from the park side.  I am about 100 yards from the park, here.  That is very close.


The sun shines on some leftover rainwater, and three small beasts tripple by.

Some highlights from the last few days:

I chased this poor gull from the square to the fountain, and thence, up a lamppost.


It was raining so hard the stairs got flooded.  Just kidding.  That's the fountain where I chased the gull.


These ladies had bright pink brollies.  A couple of minutes before I took their photo, one of those brollies blew inside-out.  I hate when that happens.


I found a goose!


...and snuck up on it...


...it didn't like that.  At one point, it looked at me and went HRNK!--and I was all "OK, am I about to be attacked by a goose?"


Bye, goose!


Hi, dog with curly tail!

There's been a lot of rain, lately.  But I found some new places to walk.

Mother said I had to go into Budget foods and buy something, today, so I nipped in, bought the first thing I saw, and nipped out again.  It was a real shop-and-run.  And the first thing I saw was chocolate, which I don't even like.  I told Mother about it, and she was all "Eat it; dark chocolate is good for you."  So I ate it.


I decided to get in some birdwatching, next, but there were only seagulls, and these two ducks.



So, I went dogwatching, instead.


I live in a pet-free building.  I'm jealous of people who get to have dogs.


The sun started to set, and a plane flew by.


They don't take Visa, at Budget Foods.  So much for "everywhere you want to be."  I had to pay with cash.

I stayed out for almost an hour, and my hands got cold.

I should make it clear that I was joking about the suckiness of my mother, in the last post I made.  In fact, I am grateful that she makes me go out.  I have barely left my apartment in ten years.  I went on two trips to Stanley Park, once or twice to Metrotown, and once to New Westminster, where I got bitten by a dog belonging to some guy I was dating.  I also went on a blind date in Victoria, which was creepy, and genuinely did suck.  And I had passport photos taken, three or four years ago.  That was the last time I went more than four blocks from home.  But I have promised to show up for WonderCon this April, and somehow, I have to get used to not being at home.  (I used to only like being in certain parts of my home, not even my whole home, which is just a one-bedroom flat.  So being out in the neighbourhood is progress.  Ha, ha!)

I sent Mother some photos of my neighbourhood in the dark (taken at 6:30PM--although it was dark, it wasn't dangerous to be out.  I was not wandering about in the middle of the night), to show her how scary it is.  She did not agree with me, and told me to suck it up!

There was some creepster in the lift, with an iPod.  He looked like Emperor Palpatine.  No, wait--that was me, AGAIN.


This tree was totally out to get me.  I could feel it sucking my brain.


An old lady, walking near the waterfront, was really giving me the eye.  I think she wanted to push me under the wharf.  She was probably in the Mob.


These branches were like..."I'm going to poke your eye."


Another pointy tree, on Moberly Road.


This waterfront restaurant is TOTALLY a hangout for gangsters and pervs.  (Actually, I heard it's pretty good, but I've never been inside.)


Aliens are beaming up a sign, on Moberly Road.


It's dark.  Really dark.

I walked in the dark for about twenty minutes, and stubbed my toe twice.

My mother was here, last month, observing my habits and judging them unfavourably.  She says I spend too much time indoors.  She says I have to start going out every day, and sending her photos to prove I really did it.  Maybe when she sees how wet and soggy my neighbourhood is, she'll feel sorry for me, and not make me do it any more.  PS, Mother, the photos are blurry because I was shivering from the cold.

People who wear leggings as trousers are so naff.  Oh, right, that's me.  This is the entrance to my building, which I am currently on the wrong side of.  The wet side.


Hungry, brain-eating gull--droves of these infest Leg In Boot Square.


A collection of depressing boats, with pointy things sticking up out of them.


I couldn't sit on this bench, because it was wet.  Everything is wet.  There's nowhere to sit.


Seriously.  It's wet.


These bollards are also wet, and so is the big blue skip blocking the view of the depressing marina with the pointy boats.


Why is this building so yellow?  Maybe it's water damage.


You could slip on this thing.  It's a slipping hazard.  Also, it's wet.


This is a really big puddle.


Check out the size of it!


Let me conclude with a wet tree, on Moberly Road.  Note how gloomy the sky is, at 3:30 in the afternoon.

I wandered around for 25 or 30 minutes, looking at the world through my iPod camera, and pretending it was just a simulation.